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When 'fine' is not fine

Vic Barlow
13/ 8/2008

I WAS visiting the super surgery today when a doctor strolled by and acknowledged a group of patients.

"Morning, Doctor, how are you?" one asked politely.

"Very well, Mrs Jones and yourself?"

"I’m the best, thank you, doctor."

"How are you Mrs Banks?"

"I’m fine thanks."

"Mr Johnson?"

"Fine, yes, fine."

I wanted to shout: "No you’re not, none of you are. You’re all ill that’s why you’re here. It’s a doctor’s surgery not a gymnasium. You don’t have to be ‘fine’. You can be as un-fine as you want. What’s the doc going to think when you roll up at his door in five minutes complaining about arthritis after telling him how ‘fine’ you are? You can’t develop crippling joint pain from walking across the surgery floor, you get it from years of wear, tear and abject misery so stop saying you’re ‘fine’ when your knee’s the size of a water melon?"

I was only saved from slapping the errant patients by an invitation to attend consulting room number ten.

"How are you today, doctor," I chirped.

"I’m well thank you and yourself…"

And listened in disbelief as I heard myself say… ‘Fine’.

I could have said: "I’ve swallowed a tarantula" or "there’s a poisonous dart in my right buttock" and it would have made more sense but, no, I had to say ‘fine’.

I reckon it’s a form of Tourette’s you only get when you talk to a doctor. Try it next time you visit your GP.

When he says he’s fine and asks how you are say ‘dreadful’.

The views expressed on this page are Vic Barlow's and not necessarily those of the Express

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